Am I ready??

During my last post I pointed out my interest in Michael, so far we've been on 3 dates and its gone quite well. I really like him and turns out we both have alot in common. During our last date he kissed me. It felt strange, after so many years to be kissed by someone new. Now don't get me wrong, during my dating hiatus I have been kissed but not by anyone I was interested in, like I am in Michael. I was happy to discover that I'm ok with him kissing, I was afraid that I woudn't be ready for that step. God darnit I think its about that time.

I recently had a conversation with a gf who a few weeks ago separated from her partner of three years after trying so hard to make it work, reality was that she's not in love with him and in spite of sharing a son, she could not force herself to do so. She complained that she yearns to be loved, turns out I too feel the same way. Ive never been able to make the right choices when it came to men; I married my ex husband on a whim and as a favor to help him obtain a green card, that went horribly. I met my sons father while I was still married, he helped me through very difficult situations and became my clutch, my hero, I trusted him with my life, but that relationship failed as well. Our relationship was condemned from the beginning, he was insecure as was I, we would test each other's loyalty, he was selfish, I was too giving and forgiving, he was absent and neglectful, I gave in to all his whims and grew to resent him when I realized he did not appreciate who I was and wanted me to be someone completely different. Resenting him made the breakup that much more painful and unbearable. I know now that i never loved him, I was just afraid of being alone and starting all over again, and when we had our son I was even more determined to cast a blind eye to issues and keep trucking on. That never works. I've been hurt deeply, and because of it I have serious trust issues. These trust issues came to light during my last date with Michael.

Michael likes to give surprises, I do not like to receive them, I need to be informed of who, what, when, where, how, and, why, all the time. But during our third date he asked me to just go with the flow and to relax. Except I wasn't able to do that, not knowing where he was taking me was producing a panic effect. it wasn't so much that I thought he would harm me, it was the fact that I didn't know what his plans were, that I didn't have control over the situation, having control is the only way i can ensure that I wont be disappointed, so allowing Michael to plan something without letting me know was extremely difficult. In the end I was pleasantly surprised, he took me to see a play and I had to laugh because here i was about to have a panic attack and his surprise was just something to make me smile. Makes me think, am I really that fucked up, that I suspect everyone of having ulterior motives? Am I so fucked up that I wont allow anyone to do anything nice for me. Am I not ready to receive and embrace the good things Michael or any other man is willing to offer me? I'm afraid that if I don't get over this hump I will sabotage every relationship with potential.