Still at it

Been so long since I last posted but don't worry only good things have occurred and nothing even remotely close to the drama in my past. I will say 4 years post break up with my sons father, I m still dating, still haven't found the man who could convince me to enter a relationship. Wait, I lie, there was one man. We met on a dating website and we dated briefly in 2011. He was and still is a wonderful guy, intelligent, stand up , confident, dapper, exceptional father of a little girl. Everything a girl could want, I'd say, except back then I couldn't accept that this wonderful man was so good to me, and wanted to be with me. I was a skeptic, I was confused, I was still harboring some pain and anger from my last relationship and I was definitely defensive and expectant of the worse. We had such great chemistry, I recall during our first date we felt so comfortable with each other. There was no awkwardness, we laughed and we clicked. It was refreshing to meet someone that made me feel so relaxed and at peace.

Refreshing and yet at the same time I was a skeptic, in disbelief of good men actually existing, of good men gravitating towards me. I was such a skeptic that I ruined the potential of that relationship, didnt actually sabotage it but it became so difficult for me to accept his being soo good to me that I broke it off. And when I say "good", you will laugh because this guy did nothing out of this world, in fact he did very minimal and simple things, like buy me a birthday card which caused me to cry. Never had a partner of mine ever taken the time to pick out a birthday card, write a nice note in it and give it to me . NEVER. Isnt this so truly sad? Something so simple as a birthday card. SMH. This guy just cared, he was affectionate, communicative, honest, he was everything I had asked God to send me in a man, except it wasnt the right timing. I wasnt in a space to be the girl he deserved. So I let him go.  I realized that there was still so much work to do within myself. I needed to learn to trust again, I needed to learn to love me and know my worth, to complete rebuilding my life, picking up the pieces from where I had left off so many years ago. I had alot of work to do, and I didnt think it was fair to drag him through all that and waste his time. 

I can now say that I am more willing to accept what may be in store for me, in these past four years Ive learn to read the red flags on people and walk away, to not deal with the bullshit nor the drama, and simply remove myself from the picture. Ive learned to laugh at the jokes life plays on us sometimes, to brush things off my shoulder and not dwell on them so much, to move on and unto the next, and always keep a positive outlook and a burning flame of hope within my heart. Because I still believe in love, I still believe there are good men out there, and I still believe that someday I will find the one meant for me.

Besame...besame mucho

Andrea Bocelli's version of "Besame mucho" is one that forces you to fantasize of kissing someone in the manner he describes...as if it were the last kiss you ever received. When you are kissed with such passion and unyielding desire it is perhaps the best feeling in the world (next to an orgasm that is). Sadly, I don’t recall the last time I’ve been kissed like that. I want to be kissed with rage and passion, I want to feel an outburst of excitement , with a fervor unlike any, with obsession and infatuation, with emotions strong enough to Knock down the Wall of China. I want to be kissed. Not a tap kiss, or a peck, no kiss on the fore head or cheeks, I want to have my tongue wind and unwind with someone else’s tongue. I…want..to…be…kissed.

I want to be loved.

Yes. I want to be loved!!!

I want someone to accompany the love I have for myself and with me make it grow into an abundance of affection and friendship, of a partnership, an association of two minds and two hearts whose only focus is to love me and be loved by me.

I want to be kissed and I want to be loved.

Am I ready??

During my last post I pointed out my interest in Michael, so far we've been on 3 dates and its gone quite well. I really like him and turns out we both have alot in common. During our last date he kissed me. It felt strange, after so many years to be kissed by someone new. Now don't get me wrong, during my dating hiatus I have been kissed but not by anyone I was interested in, like I am in Michael. I was happy to discover that I'm ok with him kissing, I was afraid that I woudn't be ready for that step. God darnit I think its about that time.

I recently had a conversation with a gf who a few weeks ago separated from her partner of three years after trying so hard to make it work, reality was that she's not in love with him and in spite of sharing a son, she could not force herself to do so. She complained that she yearns to be loved, turns out I too feel the same way. Ive never been able to make the right choices when it came to men; I married my ex husband on a whim and as a favor to help him obtain a green card, that went horribly. I met my sons father while I was still married, he helped me through very difficult situations and became my clutch, my hero, I trusted him with my life, but that relationship failed as well. Our relationship was condemned from the beginning, he was insecure as was I, we would test each other's loyalty, he was selfish, I was too giving and forgiving, he was absent and neglectful, I gave in to all his whims and grew to resent him when I realized he did not appreciate who I was and wanted me to be someone completely different. Resenting him made the breakup that much more painful and unbearable. I know now that i never loved him, I was just afraid of being alone and starting all over again, and when we had our son I was even more determined to cast a blind eye to issues and keep trucking on. That never works. I've been hurt deeply, and because of it I have serious trust issues. These trust issues came to light during my last date with Michael.

Michael likes to give surprises, I do not like to receive them, I need to be informed of who, what, when, where, how, and, why, all the time. But during our third date he asked me to just go with the flow and to relax. Except I wasn't able to do that, not knowing where he was taking me was producing a panic effect. it wasn't so much that I thought he would harm me, it was the fact that I didn't know what his plans were, that I didn't have control over the situation, having control is the only way i can ensure that I wont be disappointed, so allowing Michael to plan something without letting me know was extremely difficult. In the end I was pleasantly surprised, he took me to see a play and I had to laugh because here i was about to have a panic attack and his surprise was just something to make me smile. Makes me think, am I really that fucked up, that I suspect everyone of having ulterior motives? Am I so fucked up that I wont allow anyone to do anything nice for me. Am I not ready to receive and embrace the good things Michael or any other man is willing to offer me? I'm afraid that if I don't get over this hump I will sabotage every relationship with potential.

online dating

I decided a while back that 2011 was going to be the year where I focus on finding a partner. Someone I can call my best friend, who is genuine, who can communicate his deepest emotions and thoughts to me, who will have my back, my partner in crime. A while back I signed up to an online dating website, now everyone who knows me would be surprised because I'm too much of the paranoid type and I agree I was a little hesitant to sign up. But I quickly realized that online dating offers a few things face to face dating wont. For one you are able to configure your settings so that you can be matched with men who fit your search options, you get a bigger pool of potential candidates and can socialize with them all at the same time, some sites offer compatibility tests and those who match yours are suggested as someone you might consider talking to, background checks are also a big PLUS. Also, amongst other things there's no guilt if you don't want to continue speaking to that person and prefer to move on to the next. All in one this is working fairly well for me. So far Ive been on 5 dates within the last month, and so far only one guy has gotten as far as 2nd date.

Now some background information about me, I got out of a 7 year relationship a while back so I’m out of the loop when it comes to dating in the 21^st century. Dating also scares me, I hate it, and up until now was avoiding it like the plague. If I could just meet someone and skip to the part where we are living together and everything is cool, I would. But that’s not the reality, there’s a interview process to go through, some standards need be met and so on. Currently Im so tired of repeating myself to different people that I think I might conjure up a Bio and just hand it to them so they DON'T ask me anything. It just gets so annoying.

On the upside, I haven’t met anyone who was crazy like I thought I would. So far, Ive only met:

Guy#1-Forgot his Name, this dude was like a speck on the wall, no personality, barely spoke, and when he did it was to tell me how something reminded him of his ex, how he and his ex use to do this or that. Mind you I asked him how long he had been single, he told me 7 mths, so I asked isn’t 7 mths a little too early, and his response was “my ex has a man already.” That should have been the red flag there, Clearly he was not ready to be dating, he was just doing so because his ex had moved on with her life and he had not. So this was a competition I wanted no part of. Needless to say he never go to the 2^nd date.

Guy#2 is Robert, 28 yr old Dominican guy, talk, dark, handsome, works for a law firm, travels, has no kids. Robert’s problem was that he lack confidence, was indecisive and insecure. We decided to meet a bar, when we sit hes not happy with it and asked me if I minded going somewhere else, fine ok, but by the time we got to the other place it was almost closing. That annoyed me and again we never went out again.

Guy#3 Kyle, 31 yr old Black guy from Brooklyn, has a 5 yr old daughter. Past history, cheated on his ex, was a complete douche bag with her (for lack of a better word), has a tattoo of “Playboy” on his chest. His choose of tattoo said a lot to me, or maybe I read to much into why someone would get a tattoo that said Playboy,. In my mind I'm asking myself is he seriously looking for a partner or his is just looking for a booty call? I decided not to jump to conclusions and gave him a chance, so we went bowling on our first date. When I saw him I was majorly disappointed because as opposed to the 5 feet 7 inches of I man I was expecting, I was faced with a guy shorter than me and with a body of a 12 yr old. Total turn off and though I enjoyed our bowling date. Kyle did not make it to round #2.

Guy #4 –Michael, 31 yr old, 5ft 10 inch, Black, correction officer for the criminally insane, lives in BK, holds a BA in Psychology, has no kids, broke up with his ex because she cheated on him and fathered the child he thought was his with another man. Michael doesn’t trust to easily, he’s very observant, cautious, careful. We sent about a week chatting it up via phone and texting, I asked him out on our first date and we had a great time. Michael made it to round#2, and now to round#3. I really like him, and I think we will continue getting to know one another.

Guy#5-Nicholas, 28 yrs old, 5ft 8inch, Puerto Rican, exterminator. My date with Nick was a pity one, I just went out with him because he has been nice enough on the phone and kept insisting on meeting me, but after I met Michael I really wasn't interested in meeting anyone else. We had dinner in a restaurant around my way, good conversation, he spoke about his 8 yr old daughter and had alot of questions for me in regards to relationships. In other words he was ensuring I wasnt too crazy, I on the other hand realized that we all been through really difficult times in our lives, no one is perfect, life deals you a hand that sometimes you are not prepared to deal with but someone you do and you come out stronger. The date ended well, he wants to go out again but thankfully has not insisted on it.

Happiness is a virtue

2010 is about to end and I can say that despite all the challenges its been the best year. Yes I began the year with my son in the ER with Pneumonia and two weeks later I was in the ER myself with panic attacks due to all my pent up anger. After that it was 4 months of therapy, of me venting, purging, and slowly obtaining some peace in my life. Ive had to relinquish control to many things, for one I have no control over other people, I need to accept who they are and not allow them to infringe upon my happiness and indirectly that of my son. Its been difficult, but I'm happy, im stress free, I am at peace, and my child? My child is my joy, my life saver, my motivator, my cheer leader. He is my world.

A year and a half later I'm still single, I avoid dating, though from time to time I do push myself to it but then I feel awkward. Like its not time yet, its like I've lost who I am and I have to piece that person together again. I yearn for love in my life, for someone to share it with, but I don't trust any man. That's the lesson he left me with. I don't believe anyone out there is capable of the love I want. No one.